Jason Voorhees Versus…

Jason Voorhees. Every kid from the 80s knows that name well. He’s the hockey mask wearing machete swinging camp counselor killing drowning victim who has been chopping his way across the woods of Camp Crystal Lake and into our hearts since 1981. That’s when Jason took over the family business of dispatching hot girls and 30 year old teenage guys, a practice he picked up after his mom and her head got a divorce, instigated by a now dead Alice.

Through the series, it was an uphill battle for our hero. No matter how many idiots were killed off, they just kept coming back. But then again, this is a town which thinks that changing the name of the mass murder location is going to make everything stop. This is the kind of shit Jason must deal with on a day to day basis, living in a village of morons that think very little of his intelligence.

The Friday the 13th series is one of the longest running movie franchises (the longest horror franchise that I know of). It spans across 12 films, which includes a reboot (Friday the 13th 2009) and a crossover (Freddy vs Jason). This usually gains a poke or two from people who complain about it still going on. They never seem to mention that it’s only slightly behind Star Trek and that James Bond has almost twice as many films. Instead, they pick on the one guy trying to make the world a better place as he pursues his life dream of exterminating douche bags.

Over the years I have watched Jason cut people in half, punch their heads off and crash Nikki’s stepdad’s RV, ensuring that he would likely be pissed. During this time, something became very clear to me: Freddy is the only one Jason can fight.

Jason Voorhees, human being

jason-face

One of the many faces of the still not a dead guy yet version of Jason Voorhees

In the beginning, most of the horror movie icons had a chance of defeating our knight in shining potato sack. After all, he was a human being–a tough human being, but he was still human. The story was that he drowned as a kid. Well, that was obviously not the case because dead people typically don’t age.

In Friday the 13th Part II, III and IV Jason is a regular person. He can take a lot of hits, stabs and even an attempted hanging but in the end, he was defeated. However, we can’t really blame him as it’s a scientific fact that no one can defeat Corey Feldman. If Kiefer Sutherland can’t do it, no one can.

Trish watches as her role in this series wanders off into the forest, never to be seen again

Trish watches as her role in this series wanders off into the forest, never to be seen again

After Tommy (Feldman) helped Trish, his hot sister who the series forgot about, Jason remains dead until Part 6. Our savior, the Almighty Jason, was resting peacefully in his grave until Tommy decides to attack him in a completely unprovoked and heinous way. Showing his true roots as a deranged lunatic, Tommy stabs Jason with a big metal rod, causing him to get hit by lightning.

As far as I know, the DA has yet to file assault charges against Tommy. Thankfully, an online petition was launched to bring Tommy Jarvis to justice for what he’s done, not just to Jason, but to the families of all of the people who Jason killed due to Tommy’s insane vendetta against him. Had it not been for Tommy Jarvis and his malicious assault on Mr. Voorhees, Martin the Caretaker, a high school graduate who is not a farthead would still be alive.

After Jason is brutally attacked by Tommy Jarvis, he becomes the living dead. No longer is he alive, no longer is he a regular human being. Jason is now the unstoppable murder machine that most people know him as. This is the beginning of Jason the Juggernaut.

The heroic actions of Jason Voorhees

Jason stands victoriously after conquering Brenda's step father's RV

Jason stands victoriously after conquering Brenda’s step father’s RV

As the series progresses, Jason shows more brutality in his removal of moronic douchebags who completely deserved being slammed face first into mirrors and hatcheted in the face. As he works his way through the crowds of suicidal people, Jason works tirelessly to make the world a better place. Still, they continue to flood in like tweens at a Justin Bieber concert.

Jason ends up taking his vengeance to other states, even to outer space. As you can see, his dedication to his career is unmatched, foregoing any kind of compensation to be the best in his field. Jason has a work ethic which is sorely lacking these days.

Back to the point of this

In 2003, New Line Cinema finally got off of it’s ass and put out the film which had been rumored for the last 300 years. The two titans of horror went head to head, fighting over territory. This is a battle which was only matched in awesomeness by Monica Keena’s tits, which sadly didn’t make an appearance in the film.

Freddy handles himself fairly well in the film, though in the end we all knew that he had no chance of surviving the battle. As Jason rises out of his kingdom of water, something he’s apparently scared of but never gives a shit about until he’s in Freddy’s dream world, we find out that he’s taken the head of his foe and will once again walk the Earth as the slayer of stupid people.

Instantly the Internet lit up with ideas of who Jason could fight next, most notably any horror movie character from the last 30 years. Nearly every one of these ideas was either stupid or pointless, though a few did have merit. Let’s review a few competitors and see how they would fare in a battle against Jason Voorhees, America’s Sweetheart.

Michael Myers

Michael Myers vs Jason Voorhees

Michael Myers vs Jason Voorhees

This is the one that made sense to most people. Michael and Jason are on a similar level, or at least used to be. Back when Jason was a human being, this would have worked. Now that he’s a zombie super hero, it leaves Michael at a disadvantage.

Michael Myers has always been human. Despite laying around on fire and getting shot by 30 million rounds in Halloween 4, Michael never died. For some reason, this asshole is just immortal. He seems to live under that “I think therefore I am” philosophy. He think’s he’s immortal, so he is. But like the bank tells me, just because I think I’m a millionaire doesn’t mean I am.

Jason vs Michael Myers wouldn’t work because Jason could easily take him apart. His machete could remove Michael’s limbs and end the whole thing in the first 30 seconds of the battle (or if you like, Jason could just rip his limbs off with his bare hands). If you put the new versions of these characters at each other’s neck, you still end up in a similar battle, however now that Michael Myer’s paper mache workout has enabled him to grow to hulk like proportions, the battle might take a few minutes longer. Jason would still win.

Chucky

Chucky vs Jason Voorhees

Chucky vs Jason Voorhees

Are you fucking retarded?

Candy Man

Candyman vs Jason Voorhees

Candyman vs Jason Voorhees

Candyman is similar to Freddy, but unlike Mike, Fred or Jason, Candyman is more about intimidation and mind fucking you. He’s more in line with Pinhead (who is next in the list), but lacks the random attack methods that our favorite Hell demon has.

Though the thought of Candyman fighting someone is an interesting one, it doesn’t fit in with his character. When he wants to kill you, he kills you. Done. There’s no real fight there. He’s into ripping you open to let your insides see the light of day rather than trying to catch you and be inventive with kill tactics.

This would be a pointless fight and Candyman likely wouldn’t even give a shit about Jason to begin with. He’d be more interested in opening his robe to flash his bee infested wide open chest while taunting you with that incredibly awesome Tony Todd voice.

Pin Head

Pinhead vs Jason Voorhees

Pinhead vs Jason Voorhees

A rumor had floated around about Freddy vs Jason ending in Hell with Pinhead separating the two through his use of randomly placed hooks on chains. He would step out and ask them what the hell the problem was. This, was almost a good idea.

If anyone could do battle with these guys, it’s Pinhead. However, Pinhead is way too powerful. He could end both of them without even trying. As much as I’d like to see another Pinhead fight, I don’t think this would have worked. It would be over before the opening credits were done rolling. What would make more sense is to have Pinhead force them to sit in their own little rooms or realms, then drop people in to give them something to do. Make them his personal minions. Drop Kirstie in there and all kinds of fun can happen.

Every Jodelle Ferland Character

Jodelle Ferland vs Jason Voorhees

Jodelle Ferland vs Jason Voorhees

Ok let’s face it, Jodelle can be a scary chick. She’s highly adorable when she’s not a one armed incestuous zombie, but once she hits a horror movie, prepare to wet yourself. From Silent Hill to Case 39, this woman is the scariest teenager I’ve seen, and that is coming from someone who has watched movies with Kristen Stewart in them. Don’t let that adorable face fool you, she’s a nightmare in a bottle waiting to be released.

Adding all of Jodelle’s characters in a no holds barred grudge match against Jason wouldn’t really work. It’s true that Jason doesn’t really go after kids, and since she usually portrays one on film (thanks to being able to look much younger than she is), she has that advantage. However, once she annoys him, she’ll likely find out how it feels to fly against a wall at 90 miles per hour.

Jason would likely take apart her characters piece by piece, but it would be similar to the Ash as Goliath fight in Army of Darkness with a bunch of little Jodelle’s running around this huge guy. At some point, Jason would get the better of her and there would be creepy girl body parts all over the room. Cute creepy girl, but creepy none the less.

The Creeper

Creeper vs Jason Voorhees

Creeper vs Jason Voorhees

The guy from Jeepers Creepers would be a close contender for Jason. He’s a strong character who doesn’t give up, even after his head is torn in half. The only problem is that Jason would be consumed in fighting this one guy because no matter how many body parts he cut off, this guy would just grow them back. Or he’d steal them from Justin Long.

Still, the thought of them fighting every 23 years for 23 days is interesting. I think Jason would get bored though and cut him into pieces while he slept, eliminating his ability to put himself back together. Fairly certain that would piss that guy off.

Reggie Banister

Reggie Bannister vs Jason Voorhees

Reggie Bannister vs Jason Voorhees

Reggie fights things like Jason all the time. He’s the most bad ass bald middle age ice cream vendor in the world.

While he is one of the only human beings who is equipped with the skill and firepower to fight Jason, it would only take one good whack in the face from Jason to turn the lights out for our favorite ice cream man. Still, Reggie would put up one hell of a fight and would have a more than fair chance of success.

Leatherface

Leatherface vs Jason Voorhees

Leatherface vs Jason Voorhees

Close in size, this only fails because Leather face is a human being who lacks the planning skills that Jason has. As a combatant, Leatherface is too impetuous. He picks up his chainsaw or meat mallet and has a shit fit. Jason has more tact, more patience that he can use to dispatch his victims.

While both of these guys would do great in a fist fight, Jason would ultimately win due to already being dead and his ability to out think Leatherface. Leatherface would have a chance if his cousin, the super hot Alexandra Daddario, was on the sidelines bouncing around to distract Jason. Then again, that’s a visual that could pause a war.

Leprechaun

Leprechaun vs Jason Voorhees

Leprechaun vs Jason Voorhees

Someone needs to smack you, really hard.

Jaws

Jaws vs Jason Voorhees

Jaws vs Jason Voorhees

As stupid as that sounds, and as hilarious as it would be to watch, this is one of the only battles that Jason could fight and possibly lose in the real world. In the movie Zombie II, a zombie fought a shark in what critics have called the “greatest zombie vs shark scene ever filmed in 1979”. The idea that Jason does battle with Jaws is putting him in a more realistic setting. Well, realistic if Crystal Lake had sharks.

He would have an issue defeating Jaws because sharks can move more fluidly than people can. Plus they have that big ass mouth full of teeth. If Jason doesn’t put his machete through the face of that crazy fish, it’s likely that Jaws will chew off his body parts before he gets a chance.

That big fucking crocodile from Lake Placid

Lake Placid Crocodile vs Jason Voorhees

Lake Placid Crocodile vs Jason Voorhees

This guy holds the same chance as Jaws, but has an advantage in that he can go on land. Jason would have a hard time defeating this big bastard, but one that is actually more favorable than that against Jaws.

On land, Jason can fuck this thing up big time. As we’ve seen, Jason is one of those quiet slashers that will hide in plain sight. All he has to do is wait for this future suitcase to walk by and then turn him into luggage. Betty White would be pissed, but that’s a completely different fight all together.

Betty White

Betty White vs Jason Voorhees

Betty White vs Jason Voorhees

Jason vs the Golden Girl from Saint Olaf is a battle that would ultimately land in the history books. While it’s impossible to make a true determination of the outcome of this epic fight, I believe it would end in a tie.

It’s highly likely that Jason would just simply say “What the fuck? I’m not fighting Betty White” and then wade back into the lake as she calls him a fuck face from the beach where her husband was eaten by a crocodile.

Ash

Ash vs Jason Voorhees

Ash vs Jason Voorhees

I know, you’re wondering why it took this long to get to our favorite S-Mart employee. Many of you are also ready to explain that there is a Freddy vs Jason vs Ash story. I know.

The fact that Ash is a great possible combatant is what led to the Freddy vs Jason vs Ash story, an idea that was a possible Versus sequel that hordes of fans clamored for. After all, Ash is constantly fighting evil dead things.

The problem resides in the fact that Ash is a human being. Sure, he can cut his own hand off and attach a chainsaw to it without dying of infection or blood loss, but it’s unlikely he’s going to survive a machete to the face.

Personally, I’d rather Ash never fights Jason because I don’t want to see either of them go down (though Ash would almost certainly die). Instead, put them together and let them wipe out shit as a duo. Perhaps Reggie can join forces with them and they can rid the world of horrible people, such as politicians or the Kardashians.

Tall Man

Tall Man vs Jason Voorhees

Tall Man vs Jason Voorhees

Fuck that Jessica Biel bullshit. There is one Tall Man and his name is Angus Scrimm. He will forever be the best person to ever throw his balls at your face, and is one hell of an adversary in a fight against Jason. I also hear that he makes amazing coleslaw.

The reason the Tall Man has a better chance than most is because he can clone himself over and over again. So, Jason fucks up one body. Big deal. He’ll just come back. Tall Man is one of the only horror characters who could actually defeat Jason because he’s armed with an army of midgets and flying steel balls that come equipped with all kinds of nasty devices to tear you to pieces. Tall Man, also a  rumored contender against Ash, would likely win.

Katie

Katie Featherston vs Jason Voorhees

Katie Featherston vs Jason Voorhees

Jason would lose a fight with Katie. Why? She’s too fucking hot. Sure, there have been various attractive women in the Friday the 13th series, but this is Katie Featherston. Katie. Fucking. Featherston. Jason would be too consumed in falling in love with this super hot murdering hell possessed Texan that he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to cut off her head or punch through her perfect chest.

Katie wins….Jason’s heart.

Why Freddy Works

Freddy vs Jason

Freddy vs Jason

Freddy is the only real contender for Jason because of his abilities and his personality. Freddy isn’t human, but can become part of the human world. He fights dirty, hard and thinks about what he’s doing.

While it’s true that others are of a better matched size to Jason, carry similar weapons or better look the part, Freddy’s personality matches better as a contender. Plus, he doesn’t wear a mask that makes him look like a fucked up version of Ronald McDonald.

Freddy has similar features to those horror icons I’ve listed above. Like Pinhead, he controls his realm. We’ve seen Freddy bash Jason around a room without touching him. We’ve seen him manipulate his environment. We’ve also seen Jason get back up and keep fighting because his mental state refuses to let him stop.

A battle with Freddy makes more sense than all of the others because Freddy is smarter than the other slashers, would welcome a fight and isn’t so powerful that he can bring his superpowers full force into the real world. He’s more balanced. He’s also headless now.

Will anyone attempt to take Jason’s crown?

I don’t really see a rematch or additional battle for Jason in the near future. Sure, Freddy vs Jason made a shit ton of money compared to others in the series, but to put him in another fight doesn’t work. You’ve already done it, the fans loved it, move on.

I do think that if any additional Jason vs. movies were going to happen, it would have to be a sequel to the Freddy fight. I don’t think Freddy would win, but it would be a hell of a match once more. If that ever happens, I hope we get to see Jason let loose on more people. The corn field slaughter had a massive amount of potential, but for some reason never lived up to what it could have been. That scene deserved to be several hours long.

So Mr. Voorhees, I salute you and your efforts to eradicate the planet of the brainless dumbshits who continue to invade your sanctuary, your oasis of freedom.Good luck in your future efforts and God bless your machete.

About the Author

Dave
I make music and yell about shit.

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